She didn’t loose her battle…

she didn't lose her battle

It’s taken me months to finally continue this blog, due in part to my 24-7 morning sickness and partly because it would be the hardest thing I’ve ever written and I truly didnt’ know where to begin…

Fact: My grandmother had terminal cancer. She had always told me that she would never want to go through chemo if she was ever diagnosed with cancer. She had seen one of her cousins go through it and she said she never wanted to experience that.

After we went to the doctor’s appointment when she was diagnosed, she agreed to go on chemo. I think she thought that was what we ( man dad and I) wanted. A desperate attempt to prologue her being alive without really living.

Fact: Of course I didn’t want her to die, not like this anyway. Why like this?

So the next day, early in the morning, she would always wake up to make coffee. (The best coffee you would ever taste) I was reading about chemotherapy and I asked her: ” Are you sure you want to do this? I mean are you dong it for you or are you doing it for us?” She said:” Well I know this is what you expect from me to do.” I said:” Tata if it’s not what you feel in your heart, if it’s not something that you absolutely want to do for yourself, I’ll support you if you say no. I’ll support you if you want to use natural medicine. I’ll support your decision and we will be with you every step of the way”

She grabbed the phone immediately and called to cancel the appointment she was given to start chemo. She seemed so relieved, like a weight had been lifted of her shoulders. I think for the first time in her life, she was doing something for her.

Fact: She died two months later, peacefully amongst the people who loved her and she loved. She went to sleep, in her bed, at her apartment, everyone was there, except me. I had returned to Spain to present my Thesis. Anyway I had to travel back home by emergency when I hear the news.

…I didn’t get to say good-bye. I didn’t get to hug her one last time. I didn’t even get to hear her voice one last time.That night when I called home she was too tired so I said I would call back the next day.

Fact: I had a dream about her that night. In the background I could hear a very happy song she used to love…I think about her every single day. More often than not I feel like I haven’t called her in a while and then I realize that I can’t anymore.

I miss her advice, I miss her everything…The only way I can find some peace and comfort is when I put on that song and I feel like she’s talking to me thru the song.

My grandmother didn’t lose her battle to cancer. She went home on her terms, how she wanted it, painless and in her sleep.

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