It wasn’t my turn to cry yet…

I remember getting there. I can still see us in that cold office. Everyone was so nervous, anxious. It’s a heavy place to be at. Knowing that most of the people there are waiting to be diagnosed. Waiting to be told wether or not they’ll make it.
We walked into the room and I started answering all the questions the nurse was asking my grandmother. Breathing, trying slowly but desperately to calm myself.
The doctor came in and without hesitating said:” you have pancreatic cancer. Thats why you’ve been having so much pain. We will start chemo right away and I will give you some meds to help you coupe with the pain.” He kept talking about what he wanted to do, what she needed to do…. I looked at my dad as he was starting to cry and  I knew it wasn’t my turn to cry yet. I told him straight away ” if you are going to cry then wait outside” I could only think about her, how or what she was feeling. I couldn’t be that selfish. I needed to be strong for her even if I was dying inside. It wasn’t my turn to cry.
I immediately looked at her, she was red and her eyes were watering but she wasn’t crying. She would never do that to us.  I asked the doctor” is the cancer in metastasis?” To what he answerd ” yes, it is”. I knew she didn’t understand what it meant.
As we walked out and I was holding her hand, the same hand that held mine as I learned to walk,  I could only concentrate on one thing, it wans’t my turn to cry yet.


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