Looking for inspiration

Going around in circles, trying to figure out how to start the blog again, how to go back to writing. I can come up with a thousand excuses of why I stopped writing. I could say I got tired of it, I could say I simply lost my inspiration; I could say I was busy doing other things. I could say a lot of things, but they just wouldn’t be true.

After bumping into an acquaintance’s blog (well she’s really the girlfriend of one of my boyfriend’s friends;confusing; Right?) I thought; What’s the point of writing a blog based on a non-existing life? To be liked? To have our life seem more interesting? If I do this, it would be fiction. I keep thinking and now I wonder; if I tell half-truths that, Is it still lying? Yes I guess so. Looking to going back to writing and really getting into it in 2015 and with a million ideas twirling in my head, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t do this without really baring my soul and for the first time letting people in.

There is only a-hand full of persons that truly know me; this is something I can’t help. I’ve mastered the art of making it seem as if I’m letting you in 100% when in really I’m letting you see about 50%. With a few persons I can let my guard down and then I let them see about 70-80%, but never 100%. Don’t get me wrong, I’m honest in what I say and feel. I give it my all in love and friendship. Still I can’t let my guard completely down, fear of getting hurt I guess. I’m conscious of the fact that I can be around someone for years and I would not reveal everything. I have the gift of listening but I keep my distance, a true cancer.

It always seems like everything is okay because even in my darkest moments I can smile, truly. This is thanks to my grandma and mom. However, even though I never stop smiling that doesn’t mean I’m okay inside.

Not everyone has seen me cry and I have to admit I absolutely hate doing it in public. This I haven’t been able to fully control. Between tears and laughter, wise choices and wrong moves I’m writing again. But before I bare it all I stop and I remember my grandfather’s advise, “A true magician never shows all of his tricks”. I smile and I ask myself, “What would life be like without a little bit of magic?

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